Death by Boredom

It was my third nap of the day. As I wearily got out of bed, it came to me like a euphemism, that maybe, I just had to accept it like it was. That there was nothing much really going on and it was best to not force myself into any kind of productiveness.

Once I used to fiddle with the idea of monasticism. Then, there was nothing more alluring than leaving all the hubris of the world to retire into a world of self-examination. In the exploration of this idea, I had thrown myself into a 10 day meditation retreat and came out wondering how was it that these monks could pass whole days and lifetimes doing literally nothing.

The alternative was to be busy, to immerse oneself in the myriad of everyday distractions, until one approaches death, and then look back and wonder what had happened. Unfortunately, the little island where I came from, this was often taken to the extreme. One was always busy, for one’s friends and one’s family, and I realised I had to get out before it was too late.

Thousands of miles away, it is a different story. As I pushed myself to jog with my creaking knee, the Germans frolicked in the sun, eating, reading, chatting and sunbathing. They appeared to have no particular goal, other than to sit there and enjoy the warm touch of the sun. They shared more or less the same level of material comfort and economic prosperity as us Singaporeans, though, they did not seem the least concerned about the rest of the world who threatened to work harder and steal their jobs and their comforts. Or that is what our dear government in Singapore told us to keep us toiling every day.

I had left my country, but the mindset had remained. With days stretching out till 8 at night and work and studies failing to excite me, I started to sink into an existential crisis. Shouldn't I be doing something productive? What was I doing all this for? What should I do next? What is the meaning of life? If I am going to die one day, does anything really matter?

I suppose I am just going through a too smooth patch. Studies and work will pick up at some point. Until then I have to distract myself. Or just get used to the boredom.

Before it kills me.