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Reminiscing Regrets

We were all given a rectangular piece of paper, about the size of my palm, and a pencil. The task was seemingly straightforward.  On that piece of paper, write down the biggest regret we held.

It did not end up as easy as I thought. Of late, after a passage I had come across in a book, which dismissed regrets as pointless, as what had happened was divine fate and therefore beyond one's control, I had personally seen a dramatic decrease in the number of regrets over my past actions. Not that I did not make mistakes. Like every other human, I had made many, and will continue to make many, but mistakes were no cause for regret. Rather, it was providence to prevent repeating it. Subsequently, all my past personal failures, from the lack of effort I put in for my PSLE, the travel experiences I had skipped as superficial, the romantic relationships I had unambitiously not pursued or dismissed when they did come my way and the potential I had failed to maximise, did not hurt that much.

Though something else did. "Being a poor brother to my sisters', I eventually wrote. Sibling rivalry is common within families and when my sisters were born, I was resentful of the attention that was removed from me. This resentment took a very long time to subside, something which I did regret given that because of it, I had little worth remembering of a time when my sisters were young, adorable and totally devoted to me. Likewise, another incident, when another good friend of mine had once asked me for help, a very simple one in the form of needing me to be a demonstrator for his invention at a competition. I had turned down his request for help out of laziness.

In both cases, I noted a pattern of regret arising from not reciprocating loyalty, from not showing the commitment that the relationship deserved. The regret was not a failure in personal achievement but my failure to reward good with good. So I write this because I am afraid I see myself making the same mistakes again. Unlike mistakes of youth, consequences of decisions, made at a time when one takes oneself to be wise enough to make the right decision, are more dire. And the regrets, more painful and long lasting.

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