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Monkey Business

“Hello. Sorry, but do you know how to chase away these monkeys?”

I turned my head sideways in the direction of the voice with the rest of my body in the push-up position. Looking rather helpless, just a few metres away, was a middle aged Caucasian lady. Getting up from the wooden bench to get a clearer picture, I sawthe culprits. A couple of monkeys had surrounded the woman’s pram, had extracted certain packages from the bottom of the pram and were calmly opening them to explore their contents.

Yes, a chance to be a hero! I walked towards the lady, whose toddler busied himself on the playground without showing any concern for the predicament of his mother.

“I am not sure but can try”, I answered humbly, to relay the idea that I was stepping out of my comfort zone to come to her aid, and that this required great courage, and therefore she should ready a medal by the time I was done.

A few feet from the pram, I aimed a few kicks at the monkeys rather lamely, hoping they would get the idea and leave. My kicks did get their attention, though not their fear. The stopped momentarily what they were doing and stared at me curiously. One dropped the package and moved sideways, facing me. Now I had two monkeys, one on my nine o’clock and another on my one o’clock both staring at me, very still.

For all the push-ups I have been doing, I knew I would freak out if the monkeys charged. Despite their size, they looked fearsome and ugly. Somehow all the enemies in my head had always been much more majestic and better looking, that I was totally unprepared to fight the type of villains from one of those movies where they had been genetically mutilated. Plus, while I could not see them, those fangs were purported to be sharp. It was almost like an ambush waiting to happen. However, I had promised the lady and there was my pride to protect. I needed assistance.

Like He-Man who drew his sword in times of trouble, I glanced around for a branch. There was none, which is always the case in times of need. I spotted a tree a few feet away and tactfully retreated from the scene with the famous words “I’ll be back”.(Actually it was “Wait. Let me get a branch”, but same intention). I placed my well-muscled forearms on the thickest branch and pulled it down.

But it refused to budge, a reminder that it was perhaps time to move away from the pushups. Ok, slightly thinner branch then. This time I broke it, but the fibrous bark refused to tear away as I twisted and turned it. Behind me, I noticed a foreign worker who had come for a stroll in the park.

“Do you know how to chase away moneys?”, I implored in the belief that he used to be Tarzan’s right hand man. He smiled back politely as if it was the first time he had ever heard English.  Of course, English was the superpower ability he reserved for the Filipinas and did not waste on an Indian kid shitting in his pants.

Eventually, I managed to break of an even thinner branch, though this one was so thin and had so many leaves on it, that it came across as cheerleader’s pom pom than He-Man’s sword. With it, I advanced at the monkeys, waving it like an insecure tribal. Surprisingly, this time, seeing I was better equipped and slightly crazy, they walked away.

After the Caucasian lady thanked me profusely, I threw the branches to the side and returned to my bench. Though, something bothered me. The monkeys, the way they had dropped their packages and left, there was something familiar about it. There was no fear in their face or pace in their steps. They had done it with a casual attitude with little resistance, as if annoyed by the scrawny Indian waving the branch at them, as if thinking as they crawled away “What a fucking idiot”.

That exact same expression my driving instructor had when I passed my test on my fifth try.
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