I can't remember the last time I felt I had this much time. Not that I was never the beneficiary of a balanced life within socialist Europe, but I had squandered much of it away, jumping from the consumption of ever immersive electronic devices, forgetful routines and the maintenance of social relationships. A digital detox felt timely. Faced with a swath of unfilled time, here I was blogging again after ages (does creative pursuits such as writing does not fall within digital detox? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯).
Time had flown. 2020 is a year that will live in all our memories till the end of our lives, not so much because of what happened, but because of what did not happen. A year that started promisingly with two memorable marriages of family and friend came to a halt as a tiny microorganism proved how vulnerable we humans still were. I remember when colleagues in the office laughed as a Chinese friend hoarded masks so she could send them back home. A month later they were asking her where they could buy some. When everyone was told to work from home, by June life would be back to normal, we all thought. It is already December and the flames continue to rage. As I would catch myself and my friends saying again and again,
"Its been a weird year".
However despite the isolation and the restrictions, life had gone on. I had survived yet another year as a working adult in a foreign country, lived through the upheavals at work. I had moved just in time with an absolutely lovely family who validated the notion that a fiercely stoic and independent life with lots of space is perhaps not the most fulfilling one, that we are social creatures who need people (good and happy ones that is) to help us ease the drudgery of life and make it worth living. And in 2020, I had fallen in love again, with a kindred soul thousands of miles away, whom I then committed to live out the rest of my life with. The irony was not lost upon me that after searching for my other half in many far off places all across the world, I had eventually found her back home.
While human resourcefulness and intelligence is finally showing signs we can put the virus and the year behind us, I wonder if life will ever be the same again. As close friends move away from Berlin, the support networks I painstakingly build seems to crumble, making me wonder if it would be better to move back to Singapore where the stronger relationships have persisted and perhaps even grown stronger despite the distance. These networks would be needed, not just for me, but for my future other half, and figuring another person into my future plans is something that I am still getting used to.
However, more often than not, I find myself paralysed by choice, the choice of where to live, where to work, what to work, what to buy, what to eat (and during one time, who to go out with). The interesting thing about being adult is suddenly its all up to you to decide and every decisions reverberates across other aspects of you life. Unfortunately, even with the best decision you can lose out in some other aspect and nothing comes back to haunt you as a missed opportunity. It does not make it easier to see when someone else seems to enjoy that very thing you missed (the unfortunate aspect of being a social creature).
Though in reality I do wonder how we live today is really our plan and how much of it is just us, going with the flow. As Forrest Gump said,
"I think its a mix of both".
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